To the New Marshal,

Now see here, sir. My oldest child, who I left alone so I could help stitch the country back together, who I have fed books as one would feed a starved calf as apology, who may be the brightest star to ever fall through my family tree, whom I have educated so that she may rise above the weakness that we have chained to the fairer sex, has been spirited away by a man who earned my trust against the will of my town before playing me like a fiddle for six-odd months. The government wished for me to stay in my town and let them bring her back. I have allowed this for one reason, because the 14h Marshal of the New Marshal Initiative, who also knew the dangers that man presented, had given me his personal guarantee. You are not the 14th Marshal.

Now I’m not pleased as punch with the 14th Marshal. I’ve seen sick horses make neater messes than this; that’s why I left town and left that cobbler running things. But if you expect me to turn my tail around and head home after you’ve told me - not even you but a man who looks like a squirrel swallowed by a uniform whom you let speak on your behalf - you lost my daughter? No, sir, I do not intend to do that. You surely have the forces and numbers to send me back hogtied, but on the field of public opinion, you are fighting on too many fronts as it is. I don’t want to cause trouble for the grand institution that is the New Marshal Initiative, but my stump has been aching me heavily and I am in quite the mood. I’m not going home until my daughter is found safe.

One of your MAs have already told me that you’re collecting deputies, so I’m happy to inform you that you’ve deputized a war hero. And now I’ve written a letter informing you to that effect, I shall forthwith stuff it into the craw of your squirrel boy to send back to you. Once that is done, I shall find my good, dear, troubled friend Lamentations, whom you’ve been keeping around like a rabid dog you’re not ready to kill yet, and have a firm word with him about the last time we saw each other, and then we shall go find my daughter. Do let me know if there are any forms or whatnot to sign. Signing things is what a mayor’s good at.

[Editor’s Note: Though we cannot confirm if Captain Macy actually did stuff this into someone’s mouth, on the original document, there does seem to be water damage that was inflicted shortly after the note was written.]